a year worth writing about.

rrr yearbook ppl should die.

2006-02-27T04:51:45Z

i hate grad writeup.
no one cares.
they mean nothing.
and everything at the same time.
why am i stressing about this.
its not like i'm going to be famous and everyone
in the world is going to read it or something.
fuck.

la la la make up your mind.

2006-02-27T04:48:52Z

i hate the education system sometimes.

i never get a spare minute to write in this thing anymore. fuck.
and with the whole uni auditions, i'm in a perma state of stress
leading me to want to write more. jeeze. i better lock it up.
oh wedding crashers.

anywho the only real thing right now is my guy friend. this one
who my ex best friend hated me becasue of, long story bad karma
not going there. anyway - we always get this bive between us and
then he goes and get s frickin girlfriend. so now him and his lady
are having issues, and at our movie night last night he was mega
flirtatious, and i was thinking "i am a terrible person. hes still
with her. i shouldn't be flirting back. why amd i letting this
happen? i need to be strong and jsut not let things like this take
place. i gotta get a life."

and of course i didnt. i went right along with t. and it felt great.
fun and right. and damn hi. and her. and me. and damn hormones. and i
just want everything to be in its place and right for one goddamn
minute. is that so much to ask for.

i completly thought i was over this and it seems i'm not. i'm fucked
again.

well i'll have to see how things go with him and his lady. and i'm
betting on the odds that nothing will happen with us this time either.
thats just how it works. fuck.

g'night and sweet dreams.

laughter is the best medicine.

2006-02-03T06:31:04Z

hi.

today was a great day. well yesterday actually because of the time.

it was one of those "i want to do it again" kinda days. top notch.
i got to, get this, sleep in. heaven sent i tell ya. and i went and
saw Chicken Little. now you may make fun of this choice in film but
in all honesty it was probably the best movie i've seen in a while.
just utterly frickin hilarious. bliss.

the next hing i did was sit at home with a friend and watch another
movie. Get Over It. very appropriate, and once again frickin jokes.
ben foster is an amazing acotr, however i can't look at him the sam
after seeing Hostage first, where he played sketchy Mars. jeeze.

the rest of the night got even better. i went with a bunch buddies to
another friend's hockey game. a tie. decent. but then the real fun
began as the over stuffed car headed to my buddies house. there the
boys preceded to get trashed outa their minds, and provide hours of
entertainment to the ladies.

one guy was fricking eddy murphy with all his jokes, one guy just humped
everything, another was just depressing. and THEN my bestest guy friend
tried to kiss me, again. and i'm like no no no, let's be smart. i'm
getting good with the whole reasoning with drunk people thing. a little
tooooo good.

in conclusion i laughed more today that i have all month. it was exactly
what i needed. better than a massage, or spa day. it was revitalizing.
even just for the soul.

g'night and sweet dreams.

thats a little harsh, dontcha think?

2006-01-31T04:12:03Z

"what the fuck is wrong with you. you always
want what you can't have. and miss everything
or everyone that is right infront of you. and
if you DO get that thing you want,
you just miss it too."

*cough*

"oops?"

g'night and sweet dreams

note for the day.

2006-01-30T05:32:25Z

"One of the most basic needs is the need for meaning, the need to find some purpose in our lives.
Human dignity rests on the assumption that human life is in some way important or significant.
We are more prepared to endure pain, deprivation, anguish and all matters of ills, if they serve some
purpose, than we are to endure the inconsequencial. We would rather suffer than be of no importance."

The Messianic Legacy

g'night and sweet dreams

its not you...its me.

2006-01-28T06:14:53Z

wow, time flys eh guys?

its been way to long since i've had a chance to vent it up. but thats not the only thing.
this fricking semester just wizzed by. not that that is a bad thing but that means now i
have to do the ceremonial exam writing. fuck.

oh wait. i'm trying to swear less. to be more tame, and use a better vocabulary. now this
is going to be a hard one, and i didn't even do it for a new years resolution. i just realized
how limited my vocab was and how unintelligent i sounded sometimes. thank you steveo.

the only thing really differnt in my life right now is the fact that i'm in a stage of nothing-
ness. yes thats right, nothingness. when discussing this with my best guy frind, he had created
this whole complex theory about it, however - i'll explain it much more simply. i'm not in like
with anyone. i'm not attracted to anyone. i have the strong urge that i need to be, and that i
need to be looking/finding someone. but i'm doing nothin about these urges. i just want peace
with myself, and to finally be one without liking anyone or needing anyone for anything.

oh and also, my bestest freind, he told me somthign that i didn't want to hear. he said that this
intellectual/sexual guy that i had crushed on forever really did like me but oh wait, as always
i missed out. at the beginning of the semster he was waaaaaay sexual with me. i mean blatantly
infront of everyone. that was a little unsettling but i did like him for who he was. but his bad
boy rep and the fact he could have a straight convo with me, just made him one of those guys that
i just liked to flirt with. then he moved on in his sexual cat calls and such, and has since stopped
his crazy ways, "settled down" persay, got himself a girlfriend and is now happier than ever. oh
wait can you say "thats my life story". so i'm bitter, yes. i'm mad that its always the way. i miss
the real signs everytime and i alwasy get forgotten. i just want something to work out for once.
please god. i dont want to "wait till university" as eveyone is telling me.

fuck - everyone. everyone being my numerous freinds all happily coupled. i am the token single gal in
all of my groups. the ranks continue to grow as more and more of them hook up and find thier at least
temporary significant other. i am sad and jelous and mad and doubting anything taht i ever found semi-
attractive abotu myself.

am i mean?
am i ugly?
am i dumb?
am i replusive to everyone?
do i send off this "don't like me" vibe?
what doesn't anyone take a chance on me?
can i just be happy?

fja' rgha erjgaz;rgjbz;f thats how i feel. a'fah er';g haerg. completely defeted, with the knowledge
that ther eis tomorrow and i have to go through it all again anyways.

so i must go to bed, lots of studying to do. lots of selfpity and other such fun activities to plan.

g'night and sweet dreams.

the girls just help.

2006-01-21T05:35:16Z

Howdy Cosmic Universe.

i just want to say that my parents are driving me crazy. in the whole "you owe us
becuase we gave birth to you" kinda way. rrrg. they're jsut driving me away and
with the whole Uni thing, it's just not helping. thought i'd clear that up.

but, what was good about today. my girls. and how they saved me from another wasted
night. instead i spent it in perfect chilling form. i love them, without thier love
and smiles i would die. i would die of a broken heart. that's right, i said it.

g'night and sweet dreams.

- oh by the way, natural headshots rock.

huzza.

2006-01-20T03:53:16Z

just a note.

i got a solo. i think i'm in shock. me, a solo? i think
my director might have made a mistake.

a whole song for me, and acting with this boy.
wow - yay.

a pleasent surprise, for once.

g'night and sweet dreams.

some kind of freedom sure.

2006-01-20T03:47:47Z

bonjour.

it is two months until my 18th birthday.
and i'm listening to a great song i found recently.
it't not rare by any means, but it just clicked with me.
Sugar We're Goin' Down by Fall Out Boy, check it out.

i don't love anyone. and i don't have a crush on anyone. feel like
i should, but don't. i've lost my flirting skills, and i no one seems
to be flirting with me anyway. i feel a little lost, a little sad, but
really just awkward. i've been told this is freedom, but to me it's
just the unknown. there has always always always been someone on my mind
at one time or another. with no real laspe of time in between gentlemen.
hmm this is strange. i must get to the bottom of this. i don't know if
this is normal. it probably is, i've just not had a lot of contact with
normal. fuck. i'm alone, in mind, body, and spirit too now.

g'night and sweet dreams.

vote! everyone.

2006-01-15T01:22:39Z

hi there ladies and gents.

i just wanted to tell everyone about the best campaign commercial - i just saw it,
and wow. its an NDP one and is just a light bash to the tories and grits.

a 30 sec comparison of how they both suck about equally then directed at both party
leaders...

"GIVE 'EM WHAT THEY DESERVE". [fade in onto a lovely picture of..........

A BOOT]~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!~

i don't know about you but i think that is just HIlarious. give them the boot....get it?
hilarious.

thats really all i've got. the hmwk is piling up around my lappy so i think thats my cue.
i have a freakin dance audition tomorrow too. huzza.

g'night and sweet dreams.

just let it go.

2006-01-14T04:21:59Z

what, whaaaaaaaaat?

okay that's my gansta moment for the week.

friday night. just got home from this RIDICULOUSLY intense vocal rehersal. basically i can't talk.
and since when am i a soprano? i mean really? anyways that's not important. what is, is thaat we
actually sounded really good, as a cast. hmmmm, maybe there is hope for a decent younger show....
just maybe.

earlier today i had a moment. one of those little snipits you want to freeze-frame and savour over,
and over. it was 4th period...skipping class and lazing in the council office. listening to Forever
Young - Youth Group. starring at a cheesy Ikea clock. sitting across from my friend. and for that
one little moment i had nothing to do, no work, no pressure, no stress. nothing but the song, and her
and the couch, and the clock. blissful almost. i thought if i wrote the moment down i may get a second-
hand revisit of that feeling. it didn't work. it was a nice try though.

so i just have to get angry at myself a little bit before i head to bed.

i'm finally realizing that i'm letting him keep a hold on me. and by him i mean my Ex [who from now on
will jut be referred to as him]. okay, so in all honesty, it's been a long time since we were together.
a really long time. and it was only recently that i finally told myself that i had let go. of him. of
everything that he reminded me of. but that was a pure lie.

he always wanted my pictures. my display ones - the one that i consider to be world worthy. so i send them
to him like a good girl, and his simple compliments in return were always enough. but now i see the grasp
that he had has never loosened. maybe because i hoped he kept a little collection of my pictures because
he was still in love with me. or in a mean-spirited moment hoped his new girlfriend would find them.

but it's never really been about the pictures. i just wanted him to want me. even in the littlest of ways.
just him asking for them was important to me, and i'm ashamed. it's pathetic really. and i'm hoping now
that i can say no. that i can find a way to change the subject if he ever asks again. because i may realize
the significance of the pictures and what i should do, i just may not have the strength to turn him down.
i never really did.

i have so much work to do over the next few days, school and otherwise. so i think that if i force myself to
visit my pillow, it may do me some good.

g'night and sweet dreams.

ting

2006-01-13T04:54:06Z

Ida Scott Taylor once said:

Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone.
And do not be troubled about the future, for it is yet to come.
Live in the present.
And make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.

g'night and sweet dreams.

mental retardation. aka school

2006-01-10T20:29:03Z

howdy strangers.

so it's been a few days since my last posting. boohoo. miss me? betcha did.

the reason why i couldn't post is that i slipped into the depths of despair -
otherwise known as the end of xmas holidays. and on top of that i can't stay
up late and think/wirte, because i have stupid school the next day...and the
day after that, and so on. so here i am, mid afternoon. weird, i'll say that.

basically, i hate the whole education system right now. i know it's just a
little pent up anger from the semster attacking me now, but i still hate the
system. I want it to be over. yes i know, i still have 2 1/2 weeks of class
left and then 4 torturous exams. but, in all honesty, i don't know if i'm
going to make it. i might have a nervous beakdown sooner than expected.

its not just the heinously large work load i have [which more likely than not
i should be working on right now instead of writing this, however, not the
point] it's everything about my school that is pissing me off. the classes,
the texbooks, the lockers, the teachers, the fucked up students, even the
morning announcements are getting on my nerves. yes, it's that bad.

and the worst part is, is that i still have a whole nother semester to go.
fuck. so it's not even that i have a light at the end of my tunnel by being
finished, i have a tunnel at the end of the tunnel. oh the metaphors.

on top of that i'm major stressing about my audition tonight. just incase you
didn't know....you probably don't, but anyways....i love theatre. i love
performing and all that stuff. and i'm part of this youth theatre gang. yes
thats right, gang. and tonight i have my vocal audition. fuck fuck. see that
one deserved two fucks, thats how stressed i am. now another point is that i
love acting and dancing and the whole musical thing, but i wouldn't say by
anymeans that i'm a stellar singer. okay i wouldn't even say i'm a good singer.
i can pull off a harmony or too - more often than not in the back rows of a
chorus. but i sure ain't no broadway belter. so i just want to get this fucking
vocal audition outa the way and worry about the dance one on sunday. that should
be a little less, embarrassing.

so now that i've cleared that mostly off my chest - i must go and work a little
more on said audition. that way i'll suck less. hopefully. oh shit. i have to
study for a World Issues test too. i think i have bad karma or something.

g'night and sweet dreams.

the truths about our sexiness. honestly.

2006-01-08T04:41:49Z

okay cyberland. here it is.

my girl M and i have decided to share just how sexy we are.
well our skills needed a little sharpening today, so what did we do? we used the tool, known as the
internet, to explore the wide variety of ways to pleasure a young gentelman [aka M's rediculously
sweet, and sexy boytoy.]

and guess what we found?
everything. everything, everything a girl could possible need or want to know about - penises.

so here is M to recap all the knowledge she has aquired, and all the wisdom i have so kindly passed
on to her. in a way she is like a young "grasshopper" and i am nothing but an old, wrinkly sensais
who has nothing left to live for and might as well, you know, share the love. i've been informed
that that statement was completley falsified. but since, well fuck, this is my journal - screw off.

My teachings:
- bravery should not override the comfortable. with everything. nothing is expected.
- sexual endeavours should be beautiful experiences for both [or in some cases all] parties involved.
- i like my men hard. just like my keybord typing. ..umm nevermind.
- faster is not, i repeat, not neccessarily better.
- without putting things in the past, there is no future. [that includes sex]
- you can't deny pure talent.
- if you can't smile with the lights on, what will it be like in the dark.
- sometimes jumping on the bed is better than rocking the bed.
- a guys first words should not be - hey lets fool around, then hang out.
- O is the best letter in the alphabet.
- lips were made for talking, and that's just what they'll do, then one of these days these lips are gunna...
- boobs are great.
- so are penises.
- size does matter, sorry guys.
- chicks before dicks, hoes over bros.
- liquour before beer, you're in the clear. beer before liquour, never sicker. that's just important.
- if you can't say no to someone you love, then how can you honestly say yes.
- a rectangle plus one is a pentagon, not a hexagon.
- sometimes a little chocolate can go a long way. and really that's not sexual at all.
- we have nice bums. let's be honest now.
- like the waramps say: "play safe and have fun."
- if you think its crazy up there, its really crazy DOWN there.
- at the end of the day, it really is going to be alright.

g'night and sweet dreams.

answer.

2006-01-08T04:24:20Z

oh and just in case any of you out there in cyber space were wondering, that certain someone i'm
obsessing about crazily, and who you probably don't care about

said no.

g'night. and oh ya, sweet dreams.

perfection in motion.

2006-01-08T04:05:36Z

heya freaks.

so today was amazing. i don't know what the fuck i would do if i didn't have M. she is my angel + with out
her i'd probably have jumped from my bedroom window long ago. but in all seriousness, she is my dose of reality
just when i need it the most. and yet, i swear we spend most of our time in the realm of laughter.

we went to a monologue workshop today, and surprisingly is was soo much fun. i mean, usually the word WORKshop,
denys the participants of any amount of amusment. but not in this case. a good friend of mine was leading the
event and overall it was quite successful. oh don't get me wrong, there were a few exceptions. some people in
serious denial about their whole "acting abilities". but moreoften then not we rocked.

the rest of the day was spent eating, laughing, crying, peeing, and spending some much needed quaility time with
my girl. we cozyied ourselves up in my bedroom "nook" and watched some high class One Tree Hill. i don't know a
better way that i could have spent the day.

i don't know. this was just what i needed. the day with M didn't necessarily take my mind off a certain someone.
but it made me realize that, oh wait, YES life does go on. once again i repeat. in the grand sceme of things, we
have nothing to complain about. and so i am thankful to have a freind so smart, compassionate, beautiful, and
understanding, who would spend the day with mopey old me. i love you, you sex goddess.

all i can ask for is that tommorrow be half as good as today, and that i get a chance to laugh. that is all i need.

g'night and sweet dreams.

big fat chicken.

2006-01-06T04:52:16Z

hey homies.

i'm a chicken. sorta.

sooooooooooooooo, i called the guy [view other post]and.....he wasn't there. at the
dentist to be exact. baaaaaaaaad. because now i don't have the nerve to call again.
and the worst thing i said that i would. "oh. he's not in? oh, okay. no message. no,
actually tell him that i called. ya? i'll call again."

WHY DID I SAY THAT? i could have gotten away with the not calling thing. but now he
knows that not only did i call, but that i'm supposed to call back. fuck. i mean i
almost called back - after i got home from work. but the hockey game was on [WHOO!
go Canada! congrats to our Juniors!] and i may, possibly, have used the game as an
excuse to wait on the phone call. and before i knew it, whao it was 10:30! that is
just too late to call. disrespectful actually.

so here i am. sitting alone. in my dark living room thinking about everything i SHOULD,
or COULD have done. now those are two words that don't fit into my plan for this year.
rrrrrrrrrrrg.i just what to call him now and be like "you're going to the movies with
me tomorrow night. okay. great." hmm, that would go over well.

i'm letting myself down.
i know that i am, and yet i don't know how to do anything about it. if i call him all
bets are off, and this crush i've had forever may just have to be put aside. and that's
what i'm afraid of. not having this crush to hide behind. if i have to leave this crush
behind, i may have to put myself out there again. and, well, i don't do that very well.

that's just if things don't work out. if he's game to try it out, then i'm equally screwed.
then i may actually have to *gulp* share my feelings with someone. shit. shit shit. i don't
like this feeling. this is a pre "sauna" feeling [code word for my ex] and i just want it to
go away. please, anyone want my feeling? i will pay you to take it, how's that? no, no takers?

i need to go. and, and dance this off. like Ellen DeGeneres. i'm too busy right now to be
thinking about any extra distractions anyway. i need to keep on track - he would probably
just confuse things. i think i might even get to be before 3am tonight. good for me.

g'night and sweet dreams.

game plans

2006-01-05T06:50:18Z

hello out there, we're on the air, it's hockey night tonight...

oh, good ol' Stompin Tom.
quick note: good luck to the Canadian Juniors tomorrow! may they kick some Russian ass!

and back to now.
so today i decided to face one of my many fears and make a move. no not in chess, or address, on this
fellow i've been "crushing" on. it's been quite a long time growing.

oh grade nine math. the trials and tribulations of the quadratic formula: y = -b+/- the square root of
b squared - 4ac ALL over 2a. mmm love that stuff. oh and yes, that's where i met him in case you didn't
follow.

since then we've been friends. not the inseparable type - like the guy who kissed me the other day. [see
other entry]this crush of mine is just a friend. one that if i walked into the caf and saw him eating with
his friends i would feel comfortable sitting down with him. okay geeky analogy, i know. so the friendship
is definitely there, which i most certainly don't want to kill with my growing affection.

so i've decided to do this: call him, and say "hi __________, i was wondering if you want to go to the
movies tonight?" whatcha think? original, eh? and i'll do it via phone because i'll be able to tell in
his voice whether or not he really wants to go. i'm at the stage where nausea has started to set in. even
though i won't be calling tonight i'm uber sketched out.

look at it like this. he has been completely and utterly oblivious to my attraction for him. i've flirted
my ass off for him. [we made out a dance once, but i think alcohol may have been a factor] and he just
doesn't get it. some people are telling me he isn't worth it if he's missing all my messages. however, i
will still fight till the end. that's just the way i am. i need to send him the message some how. preferably
with words and not, say, a 2x4.

here's the thing, so far my philosophy has been: i'd rather keep liking him until doomsday, with him oblivious
to my existence, than to know for sure that he doesn't like me. and i know, i know, that is a very pessimistic
way of looking at the situation. but i mean cum'on. my track record with guys has been far from stellar. what's
going to make this one any different?

so in the grand scheme of things, it may seem like i'm obsessing over nothing. and first off - sure i have
the right to. but really, its just - i want to know. i need to know. i want to know if perhaps, just this once,
he may be just be as shy/nervous as i am. and that's the reason for his inaction. i'm keeping my fingers and
toes crossed like there's no tomorrow. we'll see what transpires.

now - what movie should we see? nothing too girly. nothing with really hot chicks which will draw attention away
from me. nothing with song and dance, musical feel - guys hate those. nothing with subtitles, or actors with
foreign names. nothing with Keanu Reeves. maybe i'll let him choose.

g'night and sweet dreams.

my rant for the week.

2006-01-03T16:56:44Z

hi world.

i HATE video games.
i hate losing.
i hate cliques and popluarity.
i hate fake freinds.
i hate arm hair.
i hate commericials.
i hate the dentist.
i hate bollywood.
i hate litter in the park.
i hate taxis.
i hate un-sticky sticky notes.
i hate chemistry.
i hate monty python.
i hate left over tinsel everywhere.
i hate licorice
i hate grand marnier.
i hate judge judy.
i hate the new seseme street.
i hate people who can skateboard.
i hate lockers.
i hate hiccups.
i hate poodles.
i hate bag pipes.
i hate static on the radio.
i hate retail.
i hate diving boards.
i hate profane graffiti.
i hate new housing developments.
i hate political arguments.
i hate "dry-clean only".
i hate spiders.
i hate hang nails.
i hate belly button rings.
i hate gum when it loses its flavour.
i hate mullets.
i hate anything with coconut.
i hate waiting for a phone call.
i hate when someone steals the comics.
i hate To Kill a Mocking Bird.
i hate scheduals.
i hate the cost of postage.
i hate pistachio shells.
i hate spelling.
i hate John Tesh.
i hate Paris Hilton.
i hate Alexisonfire.
i hate scrabble.
i hate arm wrestling.
i hate bent playing cards.
i hate falling down the stairs.
i hate smokers.
i hate awkward pauses.
i hate highlights.
i hate black fingernails.
i hate Guess purses.
i hate pointy stilettos.
i hate being two months away from voting.
i hate claustrophobic dorm rooms.
i hate being quiet in the library.
i hate crumbs at the bottom of cereal boxes.
i hate cold pizza.
i hate twins who are dressed the same.
i hate going under bridges while a trian is going over.
i hate double dutch.
i hate horror movies.
i hate anything with Hilary Duff.
i hate new years' eve.
i hate Elton John's glasses.
i hate people who won't dance.
i hate using Shift.
i hate parallel parking.
i hate backing into parking spaces.
i hate boxing day shoppers.
i hate over zealous sales people.
i hate waiting in line.
i hate public washrooms.
i hate blow drying my hair.
i hate fake emo kids.
i hate a lot of S-words.
i hate strong cologne.
i hate squished toothpaste tubes.
i hate other people's expectations.
i hate anime.
i hate pre judgements.
i hate the idea of "celebrity".
i hate the last day of holidays.
i hate fortune tellers.
i hate lip rings.
i hate weedless lawns.
i hate those space-suit guys from E.T.
i hate speedos.
i hate day light savings time.
i hate computer pop-ups.
i hate uni applications.
i hate foundation.
i hate people who chew on thier pens.
i hate overplayed songs on the radio.
i hate meaningless apologies.
i hate promises.
i hate stickey lipgloss.
i hate cling wrap.
i hate broken zippers.
i hate camoflage.
i hate autioneers.
i hate perfect eyebrows.
i hate funeral home smell.
i hate anniversaries.
i hate structural functionalism.
i hate people who use big words.
i hate paper cuts.
i hate people who write thier "a"s weied.
i hate people who pretend thier drunk.
i hate alarm clocks.
i hate setting up new technology.
i hate dirty snow.
i hate slouching.
i hate books in trilogy.
i hate german accents.
i hate lazy directors.
i hate bad choreography.
i hate high foot arches.
i hate physio therapy.
i hate big thighs.
i hate filling up the gas tank.
i hate the population growth rate of the planet.
i hate the thought of death.
i hate missing something.
i hate lists.

g'night and sweet dreams.

late night spontaneity?

2006-01-03T06:04:18Z

well hello out there.

it is rather late, er, early...yet i have no urge to close down this note book and head to la la land.
i'm quite energized actually - with plenty of new revelations to poke through. splendid.

so today was a pretty average day, all in all. it had its moments. nice meal, fun movie, a dull lazy
feeling of holidays. you know the drill. but something truly remarkable did happen. i was spontaneous.
yes, little stick in the mud me.

i was called out to a neighbourhood Mcdonalds [aka the bain of my existence] by 2 rather intoxicated,
yet simpley irresistible friends of mine. it was beyond ridiculous. my boys were crude, obnoxious, obscene
and yet i still had a good time. embarrassed to be seen with them in public, but fun none the less. i
never usually take the chance to be foolish and wild - and these boys certainly know that. especially this
late at night. but they showed me a good time and everything was fine and dandy until my bestest friend/
practically brother decided to - i don't know - kiss me.

wtf. i mean we are so close that we almost share the same DNA. i mean uber uncomfortable, but not at the same
time. don't get me wrong he most definitely has a girlfriend. and we most definitely don't usually do that. but
somehow it was okay. ish. i love this boy wholeheartedly. without a doubt. and maybe i've had a perma crush
on him. but so far i've managed very well thank you to keep that tucked away. i LIKE the friends thing. i'm cool
with the friends thing. don't go kissing me then fool!

another friend told me that the lovely alcohol showed me his true feelings, and gave him the courage to do what
he's always wanted to do. i say - fuck. i don't believe it. i won't believe it. maybe i'm putting blinders on and
and refusing to face the music. well that is fine. i like things how they are and no stupid little kiss is going
to change that. rrrrrrrrrrg. take that fate.

fate. oh destiny. the alli to karma. how i want to kick you in the genitalia. i wish it wouldn't keep playing
stupid head games with me. there is the odd occasion when i think "hey maybe this is for the best" you know...
clandestinely arranged or something dumb like that. but most of the time i'm thinking "why the fuck did that
just happen?!" that's exactly my sentiment right now. pure and utter fate-induced confusion. i don't like. no.
not at all.

so as i go off to towel dry the chaos that is my hair, i ponder. did tonight's spontaneous happenings happen
for a reason? or was the alco-meter just a little to high? i probably will never know. i mean with the whole
girlfriend thing. though, that could all be taken care...no comment. anyways i will survive. i always do.

g'night and sweet dreams.

here goes...

2006-01-02T03:09:34Z

Hi World.

it is jan. 1, 2006. & this year i decided not to make any new years resolutions. i always fuck those up anyway.
this here is my alternative. sharing my inner ramblings for one year. maybe with an outlet for my "feelings" i
won't be so screwed up...maybe? just a thought.

so here goes nothing.

i am a 17 year old dreamer. i have constant high hopes - which are constantly being kicked in the crouch. kinda a
false hope thing going on. i have great expectations for everyone. mainly myself and more often than not, everyone
falls a little short. shitty when you think about it (but reality none the less).

the feeling i'm getting right now is pure dread. what if someone reads this? what if no one does? the insesnt ramblings
of an over eager teen aren't of much importance in my mind...but should they be? we never know what thoughts are going
to change the world, and we certainly never know who is going to kick change in the ass. i'm like the next guy/girl/person.
i want peace and happiness and don't want to have to do anything to get it. but what if change is all we need?

this mentor/friend guy once said to me "if you're worried about being happy, then you're probably already happy". to me
that sounded a little fucked up. but turning it over a few times in my stubborn head i thought - maybe that is the
truth. if we have to stop and check to see if we are truly happy - then something must have happened to make us
stop in the first place. it's a bit complicated and sounds much more sophisticated in my head. but maybe he was right.

but seriously man, if this is happy - i wouldn't want to see sad. every time i stop puttering around i end up back
thinking about my mundane existence. nothing ever really happens. it just passes by. one day after the next. one year
into another.

i had someone ask me about university the other day. the dreaded U. and i told them my plans and ambitions and all that
"i know what i want with my life stuff". but in actually fact i don't know what i'm doing tomorrow. tomorrow? i don't
even know what i'm doing in 5 minutes. i just wish that people would live for the now. for once just stop and think about
riiiight...
now.

i think i should probably wrap this baby up. i don't wanna sound like a whiny fucker, griping about how i feel, and
all that shit. i mean really - in the grand scheme of things, we have nothing to complain about. rich, white, canadians
living our lives of traffic jams and ipods. not once will we have to worry about anything real in 2006. (ie food, water
shelter, need i go on...)

that's why i want to make this a year worth writing about. not worth complaining about. there i go again, always with the
high hopes.

g'night & sweet dreams.