i hate grad writeup.
no one cares.
they mean nothing.
and everything at the same time.
why am i stressing about this.
its not like i'm going to be famous and everyone
in the world is going to read it or something.
fuck.

i hate the education system sometimes.

i never get a spare minute to write in this thing anymore. fuck.
and with the whole uni auditions, i'm in a perma state of stress
leading me to want to write more. jeeze. i better lock it up.
oh wedding crashers.

anywho the only real thing right now is my guy friend. this one
who my ex best friend hated me becasue of, long story bad karma
not going there. anyway - we always get this bive between us and
then he goes and get s frickin girlfriend. so now him and his lady
are having issues, and at our movie night last night he was mega
flirtatious, and i was thinking "i am a terrible person. hes still
with her. i shouldn't be flirting back. why amd i letting this
happen? i need to be strong and jsut not let things like this take
place. i gotta get a life."

and of course i didnt. i went right along with t. and it felt great.
fun and right. and damn hi. and her. and me. and damn hormones. and i
just want everything to be in its place and right for one goddamn
minute. is that so much to ask for.

i completly thought i was over this and it seems i'm not. i'm fucked
again.

well i'll have to see how things go with him and his lady. and i'm
betting on the odds that nothing will happen with us this time either.
thats just how it works. fuck.

g'night and sweet dreams.

hi.

today was a great day. well yesterday actually because of the time.

it was one of those "i want to do it again" kinda days. top notch.
i got to, get this, sleep in. heaven sent i tell ya. and i went and
saw Chicken Little. now you may make fun of this choice in film but
in all honesty it was probably the best movie i've seen in a while.
just utterly frickin hilarious. bliss.


the next hing i did was sit at home with a friend and watch another
movie. Get Over It. very appropriate, and once again frickin jokes.
ben foster is an amazing acotr, however i can't look at him the sam
after seeing Hostage first, where he played sketchy Mars. jeeze.

the rest of the night got even better. i went with a bunch buddies to
another friend's hockey game. a tie. decent. but then the real fun
began as the over stuffed car headed to my buddies house. there the
boys preceded to get trashed outa their minds, and provide hours of
entertainment to the ladies.

one guy was fricking eddy murphy with all his jokes, one guy just humped
everything, another was just depressing. and THEN my bestest guy friend
tried to kiss me, again. and i'm like no no no, let's be smart. i'm
getting good with the whole reasoning with drunk people thing. a little
tooooo good.

in conclusion i laughed more today that i have all month. it was exactly
what i needed. better than a massage, or spa day. it was revitalizing.
even just for the soul.

g'night and sweet dreams.

"what the fuck is wrong with you. you always
want what you can't have. and miss everything
or everyone that is right infront of you. and
if you DO get that thing you want,
you just miss it too."





*cough*

"oops?"

g'night and sweet dreams

"One of the most basic needs is the need for meaning, the need to find some purpose in our lives.
Human dignity rests on the assumption that human life is in some way important or significant.
We are more prepared to endure pain, deprivation, anguish and all matters of ills, if they serve some
purpose, than we are to endure the inconsequencial. We would rather suffer than be of no importance."


The Messianic Legacy
















g'night and sweet dreams

wow, time flys eh guys?

its been way to long since i've had a chance to vent it up. but thats not the only thing.
this fricking semester just wizzed by. not that that is a bad thing but that means now i
have to do the ceremonial exam writing. fuck.

oh wait. i'm trying to swear less. to be more tame, and use a better vocabulary. now this
is going to be a hard one, and i didn't even do it for a new years resolution. i just realized
how limited my vocab was and how unintelligent i sounded sometimes. thank you steveo.

the only thing really differnt in my life right now is the fact that i'm in a stage of nothing-
ness. yes thats right, nothingness. when discussing this with my best guy frind, he had created
this whole complex theory about it, however - i'll explain it much more simply. i'm not in like
with anyone. i'm not attracted to anyone. i have the strong urge that i need to be, and that i
need to be looking/finding someone. but i'm doing nothin about these urges. i just want peace
with myself, and to finally be one without liking anyone or needing anyone for anything.

oh and also, my bestest freind, he told me somthign that i didn't want to hear. he said that this
intellectual/sexual guy that i had crushed on forever really did like me but oh wait, as always
i missed out. at the beginning of the semster he was waaaaaay sexual with me. i mean blatantly
infront of everyone. that was a little unsettling but i did like him for who he was. but his bad
boy rep and the fact he could have a straight convo with me, just made him one of those guys that
i just liked to flirt with. then he moved on in his sexual cat calls and such, and has since stopped
his crazy ways, "settled down" persay, got himself a girlfriend and is now happier than ever. oh
wait can you say "thats my life story". so i'm bitter, yes. i'm mad that its always the way. i miss
the real signs everytime and i alwasy get forgotten. i just want something to work out for once.
please god. i dont want to "wait till university" as eveyone is telling me.

fuck - everyone. everyone being my numerous freinds all happily coupled. i am the token single gal in
all of my groups. the ranks continue to grow as more and more of them hook up and find thier at least
temporary significant other. i am sad and jelous and mad and doubting anything taht i ever found semi-
attractive abotu myself.

am i mean?
am i ugly?
am i dumb?
am i replusive to everyone?
do i send off this "don't like me" vibe?
what doesn't anyone take a chance on me?
can i just be happy?

fja' rgha erjgaz;rgjbz;f thats how i feel. a'fah er';g haerg. completely defeted, with the knowledge
that ther eis tomorrow and i have to go through it all again anyways.

so i must go to bed, lots of studying to do. lots of selfpity and other such fun activities to plan.

g'night and sweet dreams.

Howdy Cosmic Universe.

i just want to say that my parents are driving me crazy. in the whole "you owe us
becuase we gave birth to you" kinda way. rrrg. they're jsut driving me away and
with the whole Uni thing, it's just not helping. thought i'd clear that up.

but, what was good about today. my girls. and how they saved me from another wasted
night. instead i spent it in perfect chilling form. i love them, without thier love
and smiles i would die. i would die of a broken heart. that's right, i said it.

g'night and sweet dreams.

- oh by the way, natural headshots rock.

just a note.

i got a solo. i think i'm in shock. me, a solo? i think
my director might have made a mistake.


a whole song for me, and acting with this boy.
wow - yay.


a pleasent surprise, for once.

g'night and sweet dreams.

bonjour.

it is two months until my 18th birthday.
and i'm listening to a great song i found recently.
it't not rare by any means, but it just clicked with me.
Sugar We're Goin' Down by Fall Out Boy, check it out.

i don't love anyone. and i don't have a crush on anyone. feel like
i should, but don't. i've lost my flirting skills, and i no one seems
to be flirting with me anyway. i feel a little lost, a little sad, but
really just awkward. i've been told this is freedom, but to me it's
just the unknown. there has always always always been someone on my mind
at one time or another. with no real laspe of time in between gentlemen.
hmm this is strange. i must get to the bottom of this. i don't know if
this is normal. it probably is, i've just not had a lot of contact with
normal. fuck. i'm alone, in mind, body, and spirit too now.

g'night and sweet dreams.

hi there ladies and gents.

i just wanted to tell everyone about the best campaign commercial - i just saw it,
and wow. its an NDP one and is just a light bash to the tories and grits.

a 30 sec comparison of how they both suck about equally then directed at both party
leaders...

"GIVE 'EM WHAT THEY DESERVE". [fade in onto a lovely picture of..........



A BOOT]~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!~


i don't know about you but i think that is just HIlarious. give them the boot....get it?
hilarious.


thats really all i've got. the hmwk is piling up around my lappy so i think thats my cue.
i have a freakin dance audition tomorrow too. huzza.

g'night and sweet dreams.